As the title says, I am an American citizen, but my girlfriend of three years resides in Harlow, Essex. Our long-distance relationship has gone extremely well thus far and we plan on getting engaged as soon as we both reside within the same country and have the money to pay for a ring as well as all the related expenses. However, we have recently run into some problems deciding where we would like to live.
I spent about six months living in England and felt that it really was not for me. Compared to the area of the US that I am from the crime in the UK is atrocious (chavs and antisocial behavior at every turn), everything (especially homes) is so small and expensive, and the weather and general greyness of the place really wore me down. It felt as if I was living in some sort of dystopian police state about to burst at the seems with people. By the time I returned home I had a new appreciation for everything that I left behind. I really feel that if I were to stay for an extended time that I would lose my sanity.
After I came back I extensively researched relocating to England. I found that, on average, I would be earning an equivalent salary there. However, as the cost of living is more than twice what it is here, my actual adjusted earnings would be less than half my US salary. I would also be unable to pursue my masters degree, which I had planned to do, as I would be unable to afford the foreign student tuition. In fact, the wages that I would be earning in London as a mid-level executive would be similar to those of a person in the US with only a highschool diploma.
To me this all seems quite daunting. I would do anything to make my girlfriend happy, but I really do not think that she is thinking about what would be best for us and our future family in the long-run. She is content to live in England and becomes very agitated whenever we speak about moving, saying that she does not want her family and friends to think that she has abandoned them.
While I have family and friends that I would want to stay with too, I believe that it should be opportunity that guides our decision, not the expectations of our loved ones. I have also told her that if these people cared for us they would be happy that we were making a decision to move where we had the greatest chance to succeed.
As you all are expats yourselves, although on the other side of the fence, I was wondering if any of you had dealt with similar situations. What are your experiences?
-I appologize if this post is poorly written and rambling, it has been a long night
Without wishing to be cruel, but at the same time wishing to be topical, have you ever thought of taking up canoeing? )
I think you're right and her argument can work both ways. The best thing is what is best for your future as a couple or as a new family. The decision wasn't so hard for me as I'm not from the closest family in the world. It was pretty easy for me to decide to move to the US. If you're determined to be together then one of you has to back down.
My family is not all that close either, but I do not like the idea of leaving my father. My mother is the money sucking manuipulative sort and my father has recently been diagnosed with cancer. He has been a wonderful father to me and I do not feel that he would be given the care that he needs if I were not here to keep his wife in check.
I guess I am asking if anyone here has dealt with a significant other with similar issues. Wat happened? How did you convince them to come? How did they find life over here once they made the move? etc. and, if worse comes to worst, do you have any suggestions if i were to have to move to England?
I'm from a fairly close family but I left them anyway, for various reasons.
We're still close, just not geographically.
You don't mention where you are in US - what did your girlfriend think of it? Aren't there aspects of it that can be "marketed" as desirable (and better than Essex?)
It can always be pitched as "the best of both worlds". Once you are married and do the required years/form filling in either country, you can be a citizen or permanent resident of either and come and go as you please through your life. Just make it clear that nothing would be set in stone, like some life sentence but it would provide a better foundation if you could finish your studies in USA.
From experience, she'd need a lot of support initially from you (learning curve on just about everything, feelings of isolation/lack of support network, friends!)
My repressed sense of adventure was probably what swung it for me to leave my comfort zone and come out here to live. Perhaps she has one too and its just a case of unlocking it.
You at least have spent time in the UK and are making an informed choice about where you would prefer to live. Your girlfriend is probably afraid of the unknown. Moving to another country takes courage and even if you really want to go, it takes a lot of time (years, even) and effort to settle in. Her feelings of missing her family and friends will be intense because it will be a very long time before she will make new friends, and those will never replace the old ones.
You don't say how old you are or where you are from, but that will all make a big difference to how she would be affected by the dramatic changes she would have to make to live over here.
I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to live in Harlow - neither would I, and the daily commute to London is horrible too. However, instead of telling your GF how much better it is over here, tell her what is most similar, and then look for the things she complains most about in the UK and tell her how that compares with the US.
She will miss family, friends, nights out in pubs or clubs, British humour, British food and - amazingly - British weather. All this is what she knows and will come to love even more if she is away from it.
Try and get her over to your home for an extended visit if you can - several weeks or months even. She needs to live the life before she can know the life. Be prepared for her to hate it but at least you and she will know what the future would hold if the arrangement were to become permanent.
Edited to add that if you were to end up in the UK she would have to understand that all the above problems would now apply to you. You would miss all the things she would miss.
Thank you for you all for your posts. In response I am currently 22 years old and she has actually spent a significant amount of time here (St. Louis County, Missouri). What confuses me most is that she really enjoys it. I think that she sees all the benefits of living here but assumes that with hard work we can overcome the things that both of us dislike about her home country.
However, almost all of our dislikes about England, and Harlow especially, are things that are not likely to change. While I could possibly find an amazing job over there and make a somewhat reasonable salary, it would not fix the aesthetics, the crime, the poor housing, overcrowding, etc. I want to raise a family with this woman and I really do not feel that England would be a good environment for us or our future children.
It seems so silly to me for us to throw away all the opportunities that we have here and to give up on our life goals in order to be closer to her family. I truly hope that If I do end up in England that it is not in Harlow. It is practically like a small third world country in that town.
I think you're right and her argument can work both ways. The best thing is what is best for your future as a couple or as a new family. The decision wasn't so hard for me as I'm not from the closest family in the world. It was pretty easy for me to decide to move to the US. If you're determined to be together then one of you has to back down.
Scramble is exactly right, I know because I have been in exactly the same situation as you for the last 8 years. Ihavte living in the US and would give anything to go home but wife and daughter are here, so here I am whether I like it or not. One piece of advice I have which ever way you go, is do not under any circumstances underestimate the culture shock either for you or your intended. I think if I knew then what I know now, I defintely would not have come. Problem is, until you leave you do not what you are missing. There is no right answer here and wherever you end up, someone is going to be unhappy, it is just to what degree that unhappiness forms.
my god, and they say the English whinge......
ever been to East St Louis mate?
jesus........
Yes. In fact I have been there many times. My father actually works in East St. Louis.
I acknowledge that there are some areas of the US that are quite bad. However, these areas are usually very isolated and can easily be avoided. This is in contrast to the widespread problems in England that appear in even the nicest neighborhoods, which I think this are caused by the overcrowding and pedestrian society. With the bad areas so close to the good and people travelling by foot rather than car, the people from both intermix much more often and the result is chavs running amuck through even the nicer neighborhoods.
Maybe you two aren't meant to be together. Just sayin'
Couldn't afford to live permanently in either the US or the UK.
The UK has ridiculously high housing costs and too many people.
The US has ridiculously high health costs.
Both are nice to visit though.
Like was stated in a earlier post there is no RIGHT /WRONG answer its is for you both to decide how you will compromise to adjust to the others fears/ and prejudices .
She wants to be with her family how about your feeling about leaving your family and moving to UK it works both ways .
It seems from your post you would be better of financially here but money isnt everything .
Its not a questions in my mind that can be answered in a forum like this it will take a lot of time to adjust by one of you where ever you decide to reside .
Parants ,family and friends will not be around forever ( dont mean to be rude in my frankness ) friends sometimes move on making decisions you might not quite be hapy with . you both have to decide whats best for YOUR future and what you want for YOURSELVES .....
you are entitled to be selfish when dealing with your future plans and asperations dont let *anybody* guilt trip you about that .
im sure with frank , honest communication between the two of you, you will reach the decision that is right for you both .
GOOD LUCK
I'd suggest finding somewhere else in the US for you both to move to. That way, it'd be somewhere new for both of you, putting you on an equal footing, plus you'd only be a drive or an internal flight away from your family. Plus it'll show your ability to be flexible, which she'll respect.