British Expatriate Network

With a distance of 3,000 miles, how do you handle family arguments? Do you ever get any? Or does everyone do everything in their power to avoid them?

Hubby and I try and do everything we can to avoid these things. But this past couple of weeks there has been a huge family argument on his side of the family. And it all started with me replying to a nephew who wrote to us out of the blue telling us they hadn't heard from us all. My surprise led me to asking if our kids correspondences had been received and all hell broke loose roll

Before we knew it we get the most horrendous e-mail from his parents accusing us of ignoring their daughter etc. All because I replied to their daughter's son - and so quickly!

So how do you handle these things? Do you defend yourself? Do you tell them to sod off? Or do you just give in to keep the peace?

Or do you just not bother having anything to do with them - the old saying of 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family' comes to mind.

All rows end up making me feel bad, and worse if I am falsely accused of something. Thankfully we've never had any long-distance fights in either family, and if there is a perceived "atmosphere" I shrug my shoulders and am grateful for the distance!

When the family was still alive and kicking and argumentative as ever I often used the, " You didn't get the email?"
By phone I would be sarcastic and say things like, I can't afford to pay for this verbal abuse, and hang up.
The rest of the time I would just say stuff like, Oh, and ah and then disappear. Familial abuse is always the worst.
I've always found that once you've been away from the old country for long enough the ties weaken and they don't allow you to change.
The family over here I just shrug my shoulders at and of course him indoors just shakes his head and walks away.
Their current thing is we don't go inland to see them. Like anyoe with sense would want to go into 3 digit weather for fun.
The fact that they pass San Jose every other week and never call in just doesn't occur to them.
As him indoors says, if they're American, you have to remember, it's all about them, you are just a figment in their life plan, and you're not playing by their rules. Bad person.
Or as we say, silly buggers lol

I leave that to my Brother in Australia and the occasional visit home.

KG, that is me all over!

Unfortunately this time they are getting abusive to hubby as well this time. Oh, we have had the whole immoral, your integrity, unchristian, etc thrown at us so far, as well as the emotional blackmail of how our move over here affect them and their family :roll:

Now, we are getting every little petty thing I ever did wrong since I existed in their lives which has now been 23 years. The fact that none of it relates to their initial argument or to anything happening today or that has happened since we moved here is beside the point. Oh, and they are bringing my family into it because I keep in contact with them, and just because they even exist in the world at the minute.

And this all started because I can type f****ing fast and reply to a 14 year old lad who was interested in getting in touch!

Dont have those sort of problems ,i quess its small compensation for not having communiucation with your blood family for almost 5 decades .

on my wifes side her and her sister living in alaska are very close .

Her perants and i have a kind of cool /respect /dont rock the boat kinda relationship . her father and me used to butt heads ( mostly religion ) now i just let it go not worth getting my wife all upset and making her take sides .
im the stronger mentally so can afford to let his religious banter go unchallenged ,we mostly talk about football that seems a nutually safe subject when we are together .

Ben - I'd tell them to sod off and get a life while they are at it... ;-)

Apparently these folks have been holding it all in waiting to let go at you!
Lifes too short and busy to listen to such garbage.
Tell them to have a nice day, and when they can be polite write back.

We don't do long distance arguing etc. but when I go back to England it seems my youngest sister always likes to create a situation. Which she did last year, so I've just written her off til she can grow up. Sad but that's life...

Most of my family get on pretty well, with each other pecadillos being accepted...with the exception of my sister-in-law who is a complete and utter bitch, and everyone, I mean EVERYone hates her with a passion.

So I generally manage to upset her when I travel home, apart from that I have to hear how she has managed to upset just about everyone on the planet...from a distance.

"The dogs bark ,but the caravan moves on."

An Arab saying.

Two options, Ben

(1) Just ignore it, if they're so keen to be in touch they'll get over it and email something sensible soon
(2) Respond to say that you had/have no intentions of excluding anyone and you'll respond to all (positive) comunications received. If someone communicates and does not receive a response within a reasonable timeframe, perhaps they should call to check you got it. if you're really pissed, point out that they probabl;y wouldn't say such things to your face.

:lol: Monster, you are so sensible. Both of us have been expecting (and still wouldn't put it past them) to arrive on our doorstep! :shock:

Some people are just too insane for their own good.

Thanks everyone. :)

Johnr, that is a cool saying and one I will keep in reserve.

I tell you, if any of you ever have this type of stress given you from back home for doing what you thought was the right thing, then you have my deepest sympathy.

What you need to do is to tell her that her opinion is not wanted and in the future you'd rather send Saddem Hussien a card rather than her malcontent and sniverling little brats and if you ever see her again you'll wipe that smug smle off her face.
That should do it.

One time when they wanted to make me a manager, they gave me manager training. One of the main tenets was

If one of your subordinates, or your bosses comes to see you, with a monkey on his back, make sure he takes it with him when he leaves.

Ben, it's their monkey, don't put it on your back.

I think if anyone has a problem with me they just keep it that side of the ocean. Makes sense I suppose seeing as we don't interact that much anyway. We all have our own lives to lead so we may as well get along when we do talk or meet.

What if an issue and name calling was aimed at your significant other from your own family - what would you do? would your reaction depend on whether you agreed with your SO or not? Or wouldn't that come into the equation?