05-29-2002, 07:30 PM
May 29, 2002
The Prime Minister today announced that the UK government would be immediately nationalising the English World Cup squad and putting in place measures to ensure "absolute and total bloody victory" in the finals this summer.
Mr Blair is reported to have become increasingly concerned at the number of injuries sustained by England's squad and has asked for an urgent investigation as to why regular maintenance regimes were not operating to ensure that such a catastrophic failure could not take place.
It is also understood that Mr Blair was concerned at such a priceless national asset falling into foreign ownership and was keen to bring the "Best of British" governance to the team calling on the finest Government skills from all parts the public sector.
Margaret Beckett, the new England Team manager, outlined her strategy for leading the team to victory. "Initial training will come via our world-class sporting academies. However, as these aren't projected to be finished until 2009, we have negotiated the use of the Bermondsey Falcons pitch after 9pm on alternate Thursdays, although they aren't able to guarantee that the showers will be working. To ensure peak fitness, we shall be bringing state of the art medical facilities from the NHS and have negotiated a greatly reduced waiting time of only 3 months for injuries sustained during a game" she explained. "We shall also be equipping our on-site paramedics with the very latest equipment including galvanised buckets, cellulose sponges and super sweet blood oranges, although these will be restricted to forwards owing to the defence having a different prescribing policy. It's all about choice these days, you know."
The team will be flown to Japan on a chartered Easyjet flight to ensure no money is wasted, and they will also be accompanied by a support team of over 3000 civil servants who will provide "vital strategic direction" and make sure that the team have targets to reach including number of goals scored, litres of phelgm produced and amount of four-letter advice given to the referee about his "wonderful mother". After each goal is scored the Government has devised a simple system of forms for the goal scorer to complete so that they can capture best practice and share the experience with the rest of the team. These should take no more than ninety minutes to finish.
Mrs Beckett also took the opportunity to outline her new World cup squad. "On attack we have John Prescott who will be bringing his "Right hand of God" to the fore and Stephen Byers will be utilising his excellent defensive skills.
Peter Mandelson will be putting his excellent knowledge of the offside rule to trap unwary opponents and Keith Vaz will be administering what I believe are technically known as 'bungs' just in case any "lucky FIFA officials" are on hand.
http//www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.34.2339.html
The Prime Minister today announced that the UK government would be immediately nationalising the English World Cup squad and putting in place measures to ensure "absolute and total bloody victory" in the finals this summer.
Mr Blair is reported to have become increasingly concerned at the number of injuries sustained by England's squad and has asked for an urgent investigation as to why regular maintenance regimes were not operating to ensure that such a catastrophic failure could not take place.
It is also understood that Mr Blair was concerned at such a priceless national asset falling into foreign ownership and was keen to bring the "Best of British" governance to the team calling on the finest Government skills from all parts the public sector.
Margaret Beckett, the new England Team manager, outlined her strategy for leading the team to victory. "Initial training will come via our world-class sporting academies. However, as these aren't projected to be finished until 2009, we have negotiated the use of the Bermondsey Falcons pitch after 9pm on alternate Thursdays, although they aren't able to guarantee that the showers will be working. To ensure peak fitness, we shall be bringing state of the art medical facilities from the NHS and have negotiated a greatly reduced waiting time of only 3 months for injuries sustained during a game" she explained. "We shall also be equipping our on-site paramedics with the very latest equipment including galvanised buckets, cellulose sponges and super sweet blood oranges, although these will be restricted to forwards owing to the defence having a different prescribing policy. It's all about choice these days, you know."
The team will be flown to Japan on a chartered Easyjet flight to ensure no money is wasted, and they will also be accompanied by a support team of over 3000 civil servants who will provide "vital strategic direction" and make sure that the team have targets to reach including number of goals scored, litres of phelgm produced and amount of four-letter advice given to the referee about his "wonderful mother". After each goal is scored the Government has devised a simple system of forms for the goal scorer to complete so that they can capture best practice and share the experience with the rest of the team. These should take no more than ninety minutes to finish.
Mrs Beckett also took the opportunity to outline her new World cup squad. "On attack we have John Prescott who will be bringing his "Right hand of God" to the fore and Stephen Byers will be utilising his excellent defensive skills.
Peter Mandelson will be putting his excellent knowledge of the offside rule to trap unwary opponents and Keith Vaz will be administering what I believe are technically known as 'bungs' just in case any "lucky FIFA officials" are on hand.
http//www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.34.2339.html