hi everyone. i realise im not entirely in the right forum, but im posting here because i thought i might get some feedback from those of you who left britain for whatever reason and who maybe can help me with my problem as the americans on the american expat board i use have given me mostly ridiculous, even reckless advice.
im orginally from los angeles. i moved to UK 6 years ago as my husband's british. i have a nearly 3 year old son, we live in northamptonshire. and i have not made one friend yet. i have no family support as my husband's family only consist of a mum who lives in windsor and cannot drive and two sisters who are equally useless. it has been a really hard 3 years. ive felt like a single mum, isolated, husband travels alot, doesnt really have friends either so we never get invited anywhere. we're not awful people, its just the way it is.
ive taken my son to a million playgroups, only to find that the other women ostracise me - i dont even get the chance to talk - how can u if they wont even look at you? still, i keep trying. i am finding british women, and i dont mean to offend the british women on here, but i find alot of them very cold, insular, provincial and small in their thinking, xenophobic. anything-o-phobic, really, outside their comfort zone they just keep away from. i have felt shut out by them. and it hurts. when u want to make a place your home and they just keep resisting. i have been intentionally left out of gatherings or e mails about gatherings on a few occassions (i found out later) and that sort of thing.
i would not consider moving back to the US - i have issues about that place and i dont want my son growing up in that society (i never fit in there, i hate the stereotypical american more than you lot, trust me), so moving back is not an option. coping is.
i dont know what your experience is coming to the US but would be interested to compare. for example, did you feel welcome by the locals, by society? how did americans treat you overall? i remember when i lived in the states whenever anyone with a british accent was around they were treated almost like a VIP - yanks love a british accent. but u dont get quite the same reaction when u have an american accent in britain, do you. youre just that bloody yank. a nuisance. go away. least that's how i feel much of the time, like im a blight on their comfortable little scene. it seems they just kind of instantly resent me. what is my crime? do they perceive that i come from a better place or something and i can go f**k off? i wish i could figure it out. that's why im on here. maybe u can help me out.
my experience here? from day one when u are american and move to uk its like a kick in the a*se on a daily basis. life is harder here than cali in many, many ways. it really is a test of character living here. they might as well scream out 'youre not welcome,' but they dont, that's too bold. they do things passively. and it hurts. i dont like these passive games. or slap down, snide responses to a totally innocuous remark just to try to chat.
and customer service? good grief. getting ignored is almost a relief, after having gotten 'what the f**k do u think im standing here for' when i asked a blockbuster employee if he could help me. u get used to it, being treated badly. how sad is that.
i got my citizenship last year, but it was bittersweet. the government here give citizenship to people quite easily, u go through this elaborate ceremony and get a gold coin and certificate presented to u, but that's all they do. then you're fed to the sharks. no help after that. no wonder they're having such problems with the muslim population here. multiculturalism doesnt work when you're not wanted by the general public. bringing them into such a place is cruel and misguided. now its a complete mess. but thats getting off track. im on here for me.
i really, really want to like living here. i really want to assimmilate, contribute, etc. but how can i survive always feeling the odd one out, the outsider? not being let in? is there anything i can do on my end to change this? i am trying to be pro active, i dont want to give up even though i have days where that is all i want to do.
again, sorry if anyone gets irritated i posted here, but then, i am technically one of you now, arent i.
thanks for reading.
Sorry to hear its so crap for you. There's alot of places in the uk that seem to have that xenophobic attitude, its hard to deal with, even when traveling within the same county. I've been in the US nearly 2 years, my wife travels for work so we move around alot. I always found it hard to make friends so being constantly in new surroundings i've not made any in a while. The upside is that i'm always seeing new places.
I've found that Americans, on the whole are very welcoming to new faces, maybe it is the accent (despite the fact that they always think i'm australian) but generally it seems fairly genuine. People in my home town are pretty wary of outsiders and Americans are viewed as yanks, and loud and obnoxious, and the people that voted Bush in twice. I really don't know what to suggest about your situation but i will take the opportunity to welcome you to Britnet grin people here are very open and friendly and very willing to offer help and suggestions.
Welcome to the board!!
Oh dear, I'm so sorry.
Yes we do go through the same feelings. You say anyone with a Brit accent is treated like royalty here, and you're right. But think about it -would you really want to be treated like royalty? Wheeled out for special occasions, but beyond that no-one talks to you because they think you wouldn't want to be bothered with them? All they really want is to hear your accent and boast of having a British friend. They want to hear about how awfully quaint life is in the UK. They don't want to actually get to know you...
...Until you force them to.
And -unfortunately- that's what you need to do.
You sound like a closet Brit. You hate their reserve and unwillingness to accept outsiders, but I think deep down you feel the same. Many Brits also feel like that when they move to a different area. My mother moved us about a lot, and it was very hard to break in. But the thing is, once you do, you're in for good.
I think you probably need to be a little more "stereotypically" American. You need to force the situation, you need to tell them how you feel. I think if you go to a playgroup and talk to the leader and tell them how you feel, they will pass the word and people will start to talk to you. The chances are these people are not intentionally being cold, they have never moved from their locale and have no idea how it feels to be an outsider. They don't realise that they need to help you fit in -they think the fact that you don't is because you don't want to. So tell them that you do want to fit in and I suspect things will change very rapidly.
hope this helps
Hi! I expatriated from the US to the UK 6 years ago (to Manchester). 2 years later my husband expatriated to the US from the UK. Now, 4 years later, he wants to repatriate and I want to expatriate again! We will be returning to the UK in 6 months or so.
I had the opposite experience as you. I was very welcomed. Particularly, I was welcomed by my husband's church. Quite a few ladies took an interest in me. I was overwhelmed by the amount of attention that I got but I was so culture shocked that I didn't really give back.
On the other hand, I found my husband's family members, who had been in Manchester their whole life, to be harder to relate to. They welcomed me, (in their way) but they had their routine and didn't really invite me out or anything.
I have found making friends in US suburbia beyond impossible. Again, the only place I have made any genuine friends was at church. I participated in a few playgroups and I did not make lasting friendships there, because it just seemed the moms wanted to talk about kids and parenting skills all day long and were not interested in digging deeper. I think that once you become a mom- especially if you are a stay at home mom it is difficult to make friends because everyone who is in the same situation as you, who you could relate to... is home with the kiddos like you.
I suppose there is a certain type of person in the UK, who is very set in their ways and resistant to change. There must be some more contintental types! If you do not feel comfortable trying out different churches, then just be a joiner. Join a club or group that organizes activities that are of interest to you. Or volunteer. I find it is quite easy to get to know people when you share a common goal and must work together to achieve it. There's got to be something. I am artistic so I would probably join some kind of arts guild.
Take care
Penny
ETA Even though I was welcomed into the UK, I was very depressed for those 2 years. I misidentified that depression as homesickness, but looking back I am certain that I was not homesick, but felt isolated and depressed due to circumstances in my marriage at the time. We have since received counseling and resolved those issues; thank goodness!
To add on to what Monster suggest, I would also add to offer your services to the playgroups. They all love people to help because they need parents to help, even if it is only to be on the rota for making the tea. You could also bring some biscuits in to help with supplies or pretend it is your birthday or something. If you play the guitar or piano, you could offer to play for the children.
Talk to your health visitor. She/he may know of other mums in the area who feel the same way as you and struggle to make friends.
This isn't just an American thing, as has been said before. I found it difficult trying to talk to others, especially when they looked like they were already friends. I found going to the baby clinics and offering to help at mother and toddler groups, then playgroups, helped to make friends and for them to get to know me.
OMG what a horrible experience. I am shocked that you have not been welcomed with open arms, after the initial shyness of most Brits. Although there are lots of stereotypes about Brits, I think they are generally admired as more confident and outgoing than us. Could it be that you are misinterpreting their shyness for coldness and lack of interest? Brits tend to be so reserved in comparison. I have been in the US for 9 years, and initially made friends very easily. As time went by I found it more difficult (plus we moved a couple of times) and I definitely feel kind of isolated and often like I don't fit in. It often seems so much hard work to relate to people here. In your own country it is so much easier, and it feels almost effortless. Keep going to the playgroups, and remember we Brits love to self deprecate. Be real and talk about how difficult you are finding it to fit in. Can you get a babysitter and maybe try to get a get together in a bar. Brits loosen up so much more when they've had a drink, plus that's where most of the socializing takes place. Could you find any other Americans that are living near you. If they have integrated well, that is often a lead into meeting new friends who have already warmed up to one American. Even any other non-Brits may be more cognizant of your feelings of isolation and help you integrate better into British life. I'm sure it's the same in Britain as in the US, where when you are a foreigner you instantly have a bond, even if it's only to complain about those annoying, uptight Brits. Keep your chin up and keep trying to break through the ice. I'm not sure how old you are but certain groups may be more welcoming - students, people who have traveled alot, etc. Good luck and I hope it gets better.
[quote="barbawhiskey @ 23rd August 2006, 1137 am"]hi everyone. i realise im not entirely in the right forum, but im posting here because i thought i might get some feedback from those of you who left britain for whatever reason and who maybe can help me with my problem as the americans on the american expat board i use have given me mostly ridiculous, even reckless advice.
Gosh, poor gal you must be from a town like the one i'm going back to next month! I'm a little worried about my boys in school with the american accent. Americans in general are more outspoken and articulate. Brits shy away from this at first but in the end we're all just people right? When I first came to the US I had to fit into my husband's Tongan family. It was the hardest test of all but ultimately my best friend ever is my husband's cousin. I have been here 11 years though and those first years were kind of hard. I'm sure time will tell and you will click with somebody. Try not to over anaylize the situation and use your friendliness to win them over!! grin
Hey there,
I am in the opposite boat, I am from Northamptonshire, came over to SC 10 years ago, married to an American. We have 2 babies (1 and 2 years old), my in-laws don't help a bit, we both work and I live 4 blocks from his mom but she has seen the kids twice in 6 months! She's was a wonderful woman till she married a jerk! His sisters and brother are all so involved in there own lives that I rarely see them.
I have found it impossible to find friends over here outside of work. And as I work in a resort, so small staff and everyone else is transient, my staff have finally figured out to stop bringing me out as the token entertainment! "Wow, say tomato, say banana", "What language do you speak in England?" Mmmmmmmm I think its impossible to meet someone in this area if you don't go to church or meet through work.
Anyway moving on, after umming and arring for years we have decided to move back to Northamptonshire for at least 2 years to see what its like living over there again, both countries have there good and bad, but we won't know unless we try, I am not sure this is the place I want my children to go to school (I only have to walk into Walmart and see this!!! lol Haha). and my family are there and are more than willing to help.
Anyway, what part of Northants are you living? Have you tried inviting neighbours over for coffee? If you have a village shop or something that you can keep going to to meet a few locals? And I totally agree with getting out to a pub to meet people (SC - social life revolves around church, England - revolves around the pub!). My husband spent 3 months in northamptonshire a few years back and had a blast with the locals, maybe a guy thing, but neighbours wanted to take him out and show him the pub/currys etc! My brothers friends enjoyed taking the yank out too! So I am looking forward to going back. Only thing is, I sound like an American now and I wonder how I will be recieved!!! By the way I got my US citizenship today, feels good that I belong now in both places and every time they refer to aliens its not applying to me anymore!
Good Luck!
Agreed on the "royalty" comment, you get asked to "say something" and then the heads turn and you're yesterday's news.
Maybe it would help if you sided with the Brits on their anti-septic crusade. Say that you are so embarrassed about some American, ashamed to be born there, or something like that. Americans do have a bad rep in general anywhere abroad, which is largely undeserved but it's always the bad minority that are recognised. Much like being a British or English sports fan abroad a decade or two ago. You'd get lumped in with the football hooligans.
Without knowing you or your neighbourhood it's tough to comment on how to get out of this mess. There has to be a way out though, otherwise there wouldn't be any Americans living in Britain or any other country for that matter. A change of tactics is definitely called for, whatever those tactics may be. Down the pub is definitely the best plan. Once we get a few drinks in us all our walls and boundaries collapse.
I don't know the area you are living in so I can't say whether it's a local issue, but I will say this. I found similar problems when I returned to my home own after four years living in Germany. Of my old friends who remained in the area, most were married and had young children - I was still single and people I tried to befriend tended to be friendly on a superficial level but never gave a thought to including me in anything. I was desperately lonely in a town where I had always had friends!
Then I met a family who had recently returned to the UK from living in Canada for seven years and I realised that the best people to befriend, who would understand what I was going through were people who had travelled.
Now that I have been in the US for nearly 14 years, my best friends are other expats (some of whom I have known only a couple of years) and neighbors whom I have got to know slowly over the past 12 years. I remain friends with people I knew in Germany and our "sense of adventure" - however small - will always be a bond.
Small-town England is the same as small-town America except the closer people live to each other (as in England) the more isolated they make themselves from each other. It is possible to be lonely in a crowded street, but sometimes all it takes is making the effort to push yourself forward and join in.
I got to know my neighbors here better once I started a monthly neighborhood coffee morning at my house. Amazingly all were delighted and all are glad that I do it.
Try inviting people to your house - and don't expect anything in return. Perhaps try something on a regular basis. If people then talk about something in which you are not included, ask them about it - if they're in your house they'll have to answer or be rude.
I hope things improve for you.
I saw on the American site (I know you may not have gotten along with some of them), but under meetings there are several Americans grin in your area that are trying to plan a get-together. Under East Nothamptonshire.
Good Luck!
Sorry to hear about your bad experiences. Someone I know who is originally from Buffalo, NY had a similarly hard time when they moved to Ipswich (see - dreams do come true!). One of the things they did to befriend people was they did an American food thing for one of their kids school functions. She didn't ham it up or antyhing but just laid out a spread of Buffalo-tyope food. And brownies of course. All the parent's were interested in what she'd made so she met alot of people, and her son was a celebrity for a few days because his mom cooked all this weird great food.
Im very extroverted so i dont find it hard to meet new poeple , so much so that i can affford to pick and choice who i welcome to my inner sanctuary and call friends .
I have found in my years here that americans are outwardly more friendly than british although a little more naive .
Well, to begin sorry to hear that you are suffering. I have had the same sort of treatment here in Virginia. Women are shallow and brainless. The only thing they like to talk about is their financial life, deck, basement, whatever. I have made friends with expats of other countries, I don't have 1 American friend. I have lived here for 8 years and we are looking into taking the kids back. It is interesting to see you say that you don't want to have your kids grow-up here, most expats here think they have hit the jackpot and are glad to be living the "American Dream".
Suburbia life is not for me, and PTA meetings are out. Bunch of ladies that like to gossip about the teachers instead of helping solve the problem(at least at my kids school). I sincerely hope you find someone, but life in America has been hell for me too. It has almost damaged over 14 years of marriage, and most Americans are naive and unwilling to try anything new.
Maybe you could join a local church group, I have tried it here, but as soon as I stopped going, "my friends in God" excluded me. Anyway, welcome to the board and hopefully you will feel better soon.
and PTA meetings are out. Bunch of ladies that like to gossip about the teachers instead of helping solve the problem(at least at my kids school)
Eeek! PTOs are a big lifesaver for me -people interested in hearing about other ways of doing things, wanting to improve our children's education. But, that may be just our radical hippy alternative school. I've never experienced mainsteam American schools. Sorry you're having such a bad experience.
The "American Dream" isn't my dream, but I still thinlk our children are getting a better deal here.