Wow, Northamptonshire . . . strange place, I was born and raised there for 39 years of my life.
When we married we bought a house a little later in a farming community. To the day we moved here, 11 years in all, the only people that we were taken in by were other 'outsiders'.
Must be them dear and not you.
I know Monster, sometimes it can be a life saver and help the school in bigger ways. Here where I live, these ladies were interested in gossip and all that. They were even questioning the teacher's way of doing things. I am the type of person that if "you" could do it better, go ahead be my guest. I had enough arguments over things and they were the "ex-this ex-that", and my contributions were merely menial in their eyes. When I say the "American Dream and hit the jackpot", I don't mean it in a sarcastic way, but have heard that from others, that people think this is better than England in every sense, which I find impossible, because paradise is not here or there. It is just a matter what works and for me America is not working at all. I remember Mango saying the same thing, Virginia is a funny state and in my neighborhood you can go out and you won't see kids playing out or socializing. sad
I think if the kids were going to a private funded school things would be different, but I rather pay for a private school in England than here. My nieces go to a fantastic school in Bletchingley- The Hawthorns School and I think it is much better than anything I ever seen here. To be honest, I think I have made my choice over this and I don't think I could change the perspective now. It has been too many years of loneliness and my time is up! Education for education, English schools are like here, it all depends where they go, where you live and I don't think the curriculum at mainstream American school is that good.
I wish I could say I am having a ball living here, I envy those of you that can say that!
I have lived in the US for the past 30 years, and I have never had a friend. I come from Manchester, and had a ton of friends when I was younger so it's not me!!!
I used to tell my husband (he's a yank) that it stank over here, and that I was going back to where I came from, but the cost of the airfare always kept me stateside...Three kids later, I own my own business and no longer care that I don't have anyone to talk to. However, it would have been nice to have a close friend to go out with on occasions like back home. I think that it's a bit like the old saying....Birds of a feather, flock together...I guess I didn't have the same feathers...LOL.
I think I agree about the lack of friends part. I have lived here for nearly 8 years andhave none. In the UK I had loads. My wife explained it. People in the US do not really have friends in the same way that we do in the UK. They get so little time off they spend it with their family, and as the country is so huge they may well have to travel a hell of a way to see their extended family.
The friendships made here don't really seem real - or they are Just-For-Now friends. For example there were people that were friends whilst I was in college - never really heard much from them after I graduated. When Lucy was in soccer it seemed for a while that a few of us Mothers were in a sort of friendship but as soon as soccer ended that was that. There's nothing wrong with Just-For-Now friendships, but please, do not act and pretend as if I'm the life-long friend you never had.
Work "friendships" are difficult. It seems that if anyone opens up and has a problem it is somehow used as ammunition against the person. I knew one woman who was going through a very difficult divorce and used to tell quite a lot of people about it. They might have smiled and listened to her but behind her back were stabbing her in it. "Oh, well with all that going on I wonder how well she's doing her job" and that type of thing. I have also had people I worked with two years ago call me up out of the blue to ask me if I want to come work with them. Maybe because they will get a $1000 referral fee?
I've said it before and I'll say it again, any friendship that has been similar to ones made in the UK has always been with another foriegner.
My God! You are so right....You just explained why for 30 years I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. I don't have anyone closer to me other than my immediate family, and by what I know about "friendship" over here I am not missing anything.
However, I am understanding more and more why the Hispanic culture in my area stick together like glue...I remember the Pakistani's doing similar back in Manchester. The only difference is that the Pakistani's learned to speak English better than us, and the Hispanics just refuse to assimilate no matter what.
Been here since 2001 and still have nobody to go out with on a Friday night. It's not from lack of effort and despite the years gone by I still find myself in heated emotional arguments with my other half every few months about wanting to go back (
It's not for lack of effort on my part. It's just really hard to make genuine friends here, and odd as it sounds, I'm glad there are other people on here in the same boat. I know I'm not the only one now! )
Lets all keep posting. Let's Stick Together, as the song says. I want to be able to come here and say "Cheers" and Happy Christmas instead of "have a nice HOLIDAY" I know we don't knew each other personally, but we could all become good friends with a little effort. Maybe one day we can organize a weekend get-to-gether in each Brits main city so we can go window shopping and have lunch and a couple of G n T's. It really cheers me up just knowing you are all out there.
Georgina
I didn't really have any lasting friendships here for some years but have some quite close friends now. Chances are though they will all move away within the next 1-3 years so I have no idea if they will last beyond that.
Of my four close friends, two are American and the other two are foreigners like me. I did make friends with another British guy but he will be off back to Europe at the end of the year.
It is funny though when I go out with my other three "wingmen" - sounds like the start of two jokes "A Persian, an Indian, an American and an Englishman walk into a bar..." or alternatively "A Moslem, a Hindhu, a Catholic and an Atheist......" - makes for some fun nights out though.
God.. sound depressing... my wife is american and says she want to go back... well she was brought up in UK but went to USA a lot and now i beleive she is just living in her dream because what she says and what is out there that i've seen is completely different... In London, everyhthing is there... multicultural, different class mingle together.. good wages.. easy to travel from one place to another in london.. In USA, everything is so far apart and had to drive.. isolated feel... class are so diverted.. people our ages are disappering during holidays.. how can i balance them out in pros and cons.. Uk is europe and is closer to neighbouring country.. Im too scared that i may be right if i move because i feel that if i agreed to move and then regret it but i will be too late because what if my wife dug her claw onto US soil refusing to move back.... all my family are in UK, europe and caribbean but not USA.. all her family is in UK and europe and couple of relatives in US.. I have made friends in US but it is not the same... maybe it is the jargon language barrier... in London everybody seems to be individual.. but in US i feel there is same fashion since the 80's/90's which made it bleak to enjoy people sighting... Schooling is what worries me for my kids.. because my children are in one of the best school in england... should i take them out? this is what i am putting up with from my wife "america is this, america is that" but when we go there for 6weeks.. all i see her is sitting down, lying down.. shopping at the mall examinating on same clothes for ages... it is all shopping, driving and bum around... what do i do? altho me and my wife do have load of fun talking and travelling but the idea of living in US may make me feel like brown recluse... I met some nice people over there but our level is so different... like they have never travel out of US and some are too churchy.. last year i went there to sort out my property and had to drive over 4hours on highway and then my friend take over and drive another 3 hours and then another friend takes over to drive further 2 hours just so that we can have few days fun... in Uk i could drive for hour and that was it.. or island hopping.. i.e. france through eurotunnel for couple of hours at cheap price.. etc.. In UK i can go to nice bar and see different class and ages and different culture joining in drinking away chatting.. in USA it seems less multicultural where i met nice afro american and suggest we go to bar.. he looked at the bar and says "hmm... nah... they won't accept me.. we don't belong in there... they won't like us being there" i was so shocked to hear that this is 21st century and who cares what they think! i told him "so, lets go in and enjoy ourselves" he paused and thought i was on another planet.. and then chuckled.. but still refused to go in.. i go in myself and everyone would stare but then there is few that welcome me. that was in the south.. but north is different.. too many schoolers... couldn't fit in.. Sometime i would be bemused when people greet themselves and i would greet back but in my head i do think "they are so poor.. why couldn't someone or goverment help them" or "Becareful what to say... they are disapproving me and asking me question to try and point me out to one type" or "why are we sitting down doing nothing all day..." or "they are too airhead that thinks nothing of me". I do enjoy america but to live in long term is different story... I am scared... should i move over or stay put or move to europe? it seems that america is so big that everyone don't stay in same area long enough to call them old friends.. i have half of friends in UK that i know for 20years that lives within 5-45mins away from each other.. and new friends through old friends... we go to bars on certin dates i.e. that bar every month, this bar every wednesday etc and then we do decide which friends to go with after the bar closed.. be it bar crawl or crash at their house for games etc.. most of them i went to school with.. Where i live.. there is park, river, westend/oxford st, portobello road market, high street shopping, many restaurant and bars. that i can walk and admire on the way...
I think the most problem is the layout differences is what is troubling me.... In USA it is either live in city or surburb... if i want a busy crowd then it is the city.. but when i want to go to quiet area i would have to travel long way.. i.e. park.. but where i am living.. the park is 5mins walk in park it feels like countryside, church is down the road, bars and restuarant is down the road, regular clean public transport that takes me different direction.. they come every 3mins.. market is 8-10min walk. sorry if it sound boring or depressing.. i just want to express my feelings and thought in annomous ways and now i feel better
but what do i do? i would try it out for like 6months or year but then my kids will lose their place in best school and my dog would not be able to get back in UK due to breed ban.. not that my dog is illegal as he is staffordshire bull terrier cross but can be preceive as pit bull type which is silly (no matter how well he behaves). Also im on rental property that are really good deal... if i want to move back after tryout then i wouldn't be able to find good deal property... do any of you feel like that before moving to another country and not feel regret?
I'm sorry things aren't working out for you, that feeling of isolation can drag you down - I know.
I really only have a few things to offer - do something that forces people to talk to you, bake a cake or cookies (from scratch preferably) for the mother&toddler group. At the very least they will have to say thank you and some of them may even ask for the recipe. It's small, but a start. Something else you can do at the group is pick a day that means something to you (memorial day for example) a day that you can take something unusual to the group, you can say that you were "feeling especially homesick what with it being .... day and this is something my family always did". It'll be a good, tactful way to lead into not feeling welcomed.
The other thing I would suggest is to find other groups - check your local newspaper, church or community center notice board. There are lots of small groups that will post meetings or events there. You could also volunteer as has been suggested before. And it may sound corny and old fashioned but the local WI might be a good bet too - I hear their membership isn't entirely pensioners
and they do alot of different things.
American's overseas can come off as over confident and holier than thou. America is a very contradictory country, on the one hand with "free living" cities such as San Francisco and LA and on the other a president that suggestions a constituitional ammendment to ban abortion. You need to let them know which you are (subtly). Self-deprecation is a good idea, let them know that you're not perfect "I had the most awesome ..... in a cafe the other day and whenever I try and make them they suck - anyone have a good recipe/tip?"
I hope some one on here has been able to give you the piece of advice that is successful in helping you break through.
Hi, I arrived in Nashville from the Home Counties in England 5 years ago. My fiance was supposed to follow me, but took 2 years to make it over here, and eventually when he did arrive, he could only handly 2 months and then p*ssd off home. Having burned my bridges with my job I'm now marooned over here.
I've had similar experiences re: making friends, the outsiders were friendlier in both Nashville and now in Alabama. Outsiders include everyone from the American North (the true Yanks, north of the Mason-Dickson line) and expat Europeans (which for US purposes, includes Brits). All the outsiders felt alienated by the Southerners, who are very friendly and hospitable but it's superficial. They don't talk religion or politics, they don't drink much and socializing ends by 9 pm at the latest, the worst curse word is 'shoot' and not knowing any of this when I arrived, I offended everyone!!!! The natives make friends in Church, and I'm not going there because I'm not Christian.
I'm so sorry for the lady having a terrible time in Northampton, I would suggest moving to a better city (Oxford or Birmingham) and perhaps befriending educated foreigners (language courses, special interest groups, book clubs). My parents are Indian and they complained about England all the time while I was growing up. They can speak fantastic English, they just never learned to read English people, in the same way that I can't read Americans as a foreigner. My parents' friends are all foreigners e.g. their Greek neighbours, other Indian expats, Sinhalese neighbours, one eccentric English neighbour.... My dad never made friends with co-workers and found people quite racist (this was in the 70s and 80s, I think things have changed).
So while I complain about the US, I appreciate that my Dad would probably have had a better time being a professional here than he did in the UK.
But I miss England and want to go home. I miss the pubs, my friends, the little villages, the hustle and bustle of London, British humour (people understanding my jokes and not being offended), the British media, the proximity to Europe and easy travel, public transport, being able to walk around a city instead of having to drive everywhere, high streets, Marks and Spencer, vegetarian food (it's labelled so well in the UK, while in Southern US bacon is considered as seasoning on vegetables and lard is the norm for frying), taking a holiday without incurring disapproval even though the vacation allowance covers the break, being able to use complex vocabulary without causing confusion, and so much more.
Probably I'll miss the fantastic weather in the South, the extremely cheap, spacious apartments, the cheap petrol, the stunning parks and public spaces, compliments on my accent, the proximity to Florida (just a few hours' drive away), the opportunities that are available to me professionally.
However, living here alone, and in the South most people are married before 25 years old, I'm a wierdo single alien and I can't take it anymore..............
I'd be interested to hear if people think the American North East or California/ Washington would be better experiences for me.
I'd be interested to hear if people think the American North East or California/ Washington would be better experiences for me.
There is another state between California and Washington too
Frankly, I would think you would find the westernmost states to be a lot different to where you are now.
One thing I notice is that living in a city with a university really helps to open things up as well. You get more of a mix and the locals tend to be a little more welcoming and prepared for foreigners. Add in the fact that most colleges are perceived as "liberal" which in reality means they actually encourage people thinking for themselves and you have a really nice start for somewhere to live/grow.
I'd be interested to hear if people think the American North East or California/ Washington would be better experiences for me.
I am living in the bay area just outside of San Francisco and things are pretty much the same here, have made no lasting friends in 9 years, people here just don't do friends. Have the same discussions with my other half about moving back, I think if we could afford it, we would do it.
hi there had the sam trouble when i first arived here in the staes but whate i di was get on line and found out a bought the local british groupes here in the staes and that help a lot then you should get on line and find out if there is any groupes fore yanks in the uk then they can help you more the most british popple then and if that dosenst work then we are heading over to the uk as im mofving home and we can chat to you then but if you like you can contacke us as my wife is frome the staes as well sow she wont realy have any friends there as well when we first get back to home then love to here froem you and hang in there it will get better then