British Expatriate Network

Does anybody here sometimes get the speech from parents about "when we die...". My parents have recently got into making their own funeral arrangements and have proudly announced that their funerals have been arranged, and they've picked their burial spots. When I tell my Mum that she's being extremely morbid and I don't really want to talk about that, she replies 'Well, I'm only being practical, we've all got to go sometime...".

Is it just me, or do other people get that? I find it extremely painful to even think about.

Mmmm, I've never had that particular conversation with any of our parents but I am pretty sure they have all sorted it out.

When my aunt died last year my mother and I were talking on the phone and she was telling me how my aunt had it all sorted of what was going to happen with her body (she was donating it to science). Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way once she was dead and I have no idea if my aunt arranged alternatives. What I do know is it took a lot of the anguish out of the arrangements for her three children, even though they were grown up and had grown children of their own. She had organized which hymns and prayers she wanted at her remembrance service which ended up being at her actual funeral.

I wouldn't have a problem with any of them discussing it with me. I worked in insurance before having the children, mainly dealing with death payments and life assurance policies. There is nothing worse than seeing someone not only struggle with the death of a loved one but the realisation that they also have to think what their loved one would have wanted and try to get it right.

No, don't have a problem with it. Death is the only certain thing in life, and it's supposed to happen so the children outlive the parents. It's also a good idea to have the "if I die before you" chat with your parents, so they are not surprised by your wishes if you die before them because they will be dealing with enough grief outliving a child.

I agree, it's something that's best handled early so that there are no surprises finding private notes of post mortem wishes.

Best deal with it when your parents are not yet of "dying age" - although we could go at any time - if you ask your parents when they are in their 50s or early 60s it should not be "oh, so you think we're gonna pop off next week eh?"

My wife hadn't made any arrangements but she made sure that we all knew the drift of her wants. This was long before there was a need, but she was more specific when she got cancer.
It is a burden when a loved person dies and I don't know if having to make arrangements is good or bad. It must be a worry if you don't know what they wanted, but it might be good to have a job that must be done. Or maybe it delays the essential grieving.
I think it is something that people think of as they get older, along with updating wills etc.

Now as to whether you should be told, listen to them, This is not about you, it is about them. It will make them more comfortable that you are aware of their arrangements and desires.

dont forget taxes

The subject came up a few times as we were growing up and had/has little negativity attached to it in my family.

My siblings and I knew we were executors of our parents' will and more or less knew the basics of what they were asking. I've since been removed as executor as I would have enough problems getting back there, let alone following the process of its execution.

Not sure about my mum as she is fairly religious but my dad always told us he wanted to be cremated in death and treated well in life. Don't think he could see the point in a big send-off when he's not there to enjoy it.

Adeshell, your parents are to be applauded for their foresight. They are proud to tell you because they know what a terrible burden it can be on those left behind to make and pay for the "final arrangements" of a loved one. They have also given themselves peace of mind - one will almost certainly die before the other and the other will find comfort in knowing what both of them agreed to. They want you to know about it so that they are reassured that you will help see to it that their final wishes are carried out - plus they don't want you to fork out for a funeral, only to find months later that it had already been taken care of.

This is not being morbid, it's knowing what is to come to all of us sooner or later and dealing with it. It doesn't mean they are planning to pop their clogs next week!

Terminally ill people often - as londonsquare has pointed out - want to make their funereal wishes known before they go. It's very comforting to the family to know that things are as their relative wished it. My own mother kept a notebook for the last few months of her life. It never left her side and when she died we knew it was important and that is where she had written everything she wanted us to know. We were so relieved - and it was easier to ask her friends to sing at the service when we could say that mum wanted it.

When I was 13, we had a Sunday dinner table conversation in which we were discussing what we would do if mum or dad died. I told Dad that I'd want him to have a big tombstone and lots of flowers. HE said absolutely not! He wanted a cremation and no flowers. Keep it simple and save money. He died without warning a week later aged 52, but that recent conversation meant that I didn't throw a tantrum at the simple funeral my mother planned for him, because I knew that is what he wanted. (Believe me - I could throw some major fits at that age and it wouldn't have helped my mother if I had had loud opinions about the funeral!)

You can't discuss your future death with young children, but you should do so once your children are independent adults. and the sooner the better! We are all going to die - we don't have to get upset at the loss of a loved when when making plans - no need to dwell on the emotional side - just deal with the practicalities.

You're right of course, but its a bitter pill nonetheless. I don't think I'd be in a fit state to make any funeral arrangments at that time. How do you react to it though, when you do get the talk? 'Yeah, me and your Dad made our funeral arrangements...'....'er, thats great Mum, its been pretty warm here, but it looks like rain today...'.

My wife and I had a decision to make regarding our executors. Until last year we had our son as co-executors to our estate. When he moved to Washington we decided to make a new will and now have TD Canada Trust as co-executor.

As executor you are required to make many arrangements regarding notification of death etc, which can be very time consuming. They can charge up to 5% of the estate value, depending on the complexity.

We had previously made arrangements with a local Funeral Director to handle our disposal.

Both our children are aware of our decisions.

You could ask what they are or if they are keeping them with their wills.


although I don't know specifics of what either of our parents want, I do have a rough idea and know that the details will be in/with their wills. I know that both my parents will want to be cremated and have their ashes scattered. I'm expecting the in-laws to want burial in a joint plot. I will be surprised if hymns and prayers have not been picked.

the other thing too is if there are siblings. Having the parents state what they want ahead of times stops siblings squabbling after their death. You wouldn't believe the number of times this happens and it is just heartbreaking to see happen at such a time as a parent's death.

And, although it is easy to think now that it would keep minds occupied afterwards to plan all the details, I can tell you that there are enough other things to keep you busy that having to decide what to do after a person's death will do nothing but add stress and anxiety. Having the details of a person's funeral known ahead of time, you still need to organize it, talk to the funeral home, minister, cremetorium or anything else that has been decided. Then there are insurance policies, deeds to homes, cars, banks etc. And if there is a parent still alive, making sure that their health is coping with the stress of the loss of a life partner adds another stress to the pile.

On a trip back home recently my mother showed my the burial plots that her and my father had bought at thier church.

It was a good job really as I was under the impression from an earlier conversation that they wanted to be cremated.

I'd already planned to chuck her ashes off Hellvellyn and trickle my dad off the back of the Mersey ferry!!!!

Debs x lol

lol Did you tell them that, Debs?

Some of you might remember a few years back now when my dad had terminal cancer. Well, he and I got together at that juncture and arranged his funeral before he died. We did it so he had input into all the pieces. He told me how he wanted to be remembered, and I made damn sure that is what happened. In fact we even had family meetings to discuss his chioce of music etc. When someone is terminal like that, they have already lost control of most every situation - this gave my dad a "control" again over something that was important.

We took a trip to the local funeral home, and asked to discuss arranging a funeral for someone who was not yet dead. The lady was very nice, and dad and I both have a wicked sense of humour, so we found lots to joke about while we were in there. She asked us what our relationship was to the "to be deceased" and my dad replied, Hey, that's me! I'm Mr. Driver! She almost fell off her chair. So refreshing was it that we were happily chatting about what kind of coffin, and car to be booked.

Dad already knew he was dying soon, he had me write the service for whichever vicar did it (we aren't a religious family and to have a church like memorial would have been ridiculous). He had me do memorial handouts, with a poem by Jonny Cash and also a brief outline of my dad's life achievements. My dad's picture was on it - we wanted people to remember who he had been, not who the disease had turned him into. And Dad chose "Deck of Cards" over a hymn and "King of the Road" for the exit. People left the chapel smilling, remembering my dad for being an adventurous, funny, roadrager and it was the most enoyable funeral I have ever attended. People still tell us now, what a great time they have remembering him.

Oh and we really had to fight him on his song choice, because the prankster he was, wanted to play "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash for his exit, as he was being cremated.

LOL grin

Excellent! It would be good if we could all be like that Annita!