British Expatriate Network

Hello all,

I just wanted to ask your opinions, those who are Brits living in the US, on my situation...

I am an American living with my British husband in Dorset. After much much much discussion, we have decided to move to the US. Our reasons are mostly financial (we are tired of struggling to make ends meet, we can't afford a house, the pay for my husband's work is soooooo much more in the US, etc). But there's also the fact that we've had a baby, and my poor mother is travelling over to see her for the 5th time in a year (!), and I've been here 13 years now and starting to feel like it's time to go home....

My big fear (BIG FEAR) is that my husband will get over there and hate it. I don't know why he might, but y'know... he might, and it scares the life out of me. Moving over will be such a big (and expensive) thing to do that I don't think we could afford to reverse it if it turned out to be a mistake.

My husband likes wandering down to the pub of a weekend night. He likes his cuppa. He likes to have a moan. He is a small town Somerset lad. wink So, I'm a little concerned that the US might not suit him.

On the other hand, he's got a great work ethic. He never takes a day of holiday unless I force him to ( roll ). I don't know WHEN was the last time he had a day off ill. So... that fits in with the US, at least.
And, it seems the US has more to offer socially... more chances to go out (more affordable chances to go out), more to do, more opportunity. Oh, and maybe we'd have half a chance of buying a house. Man, I would love that.

Ok, that's the situation. I am really excited about the future possiblities, but also really frightened of the unknown, and of my husband's reaction to such a big move. Please, can you all give some thoughts and advice?

Many thanks,
S.

Hi Strawberry, Welcome. I'm sure you realise that no one can be sure if you and OH will be happy here, it is relative in so many dimensions. If you have read through these threads you will have seen people who are quite happy here to people who are here only because their OH needs to be here. If you are going to a bible belt state, will you both be comfortable, if you are going to a liberal state, will you both be happy?.

I don't know anyone who has found a good facsimile for an English pub. I think that the question is, "How much will you regret it if you don't try?" It is a risk, but all things being even, you can go back if it doesn't work out here.


Sorry I'm not more help, I'm quite happy here but I wouldn't mind being able to wander down to the pub for a pint with your old man.

Good luck, whatever you do.

There's a lot of things I miss, but there's a lot more I don't!
If you have the chance, you really can't turn it away, not and never think about it again!
Do it, you can allways go back.

Who can say if he will like it here or not ,that depends on a lot of veriables , job, housing , social life and most of all attitude , if he and you have a open mind to make it work the chances are it will .

he will of course find a lot of things very differant here that the uk but that thats part of the adjustment ejoying new things /ways and getting the best you cqn from your old situation . sport is differant here and soccer is a *secondary * miner sport .


The pubs are in no way compirable to the *english country pub * and entertainment as far as NETWORK tv goes is a whole new ball game .

Here unlike UK its mostly bland , canned programming repeated time and time again in the same or diffew4rant format and served up inbetween large doses of advertizing and we dont get a watershed change of programming late at night .

Some small changes he might have to adjust to but the extra cash and opportunities you as a family will have in your pocket may in some ways compensate for those losses

good luck to you ALL -)
Keep in touch and let us know if you decide to come and most of all let your husband know if he feels lonelyat times and out of touch we are here to help him .

We have all gone thou /or are going thou a homesickness period this is the place to help heal that feeling .


i

Wow, how do they head the ball with those big clunky helmets on, don't the lamps get in the way?

At least if the pitch is like Sunderland v Fulham at the weekend they can send Norwich City on first to check if it is ok before they start... (think about it...)


Seriously...

It all depends where in the US "home" is. Life in New England, a major city, the south, the Rockies, California, the north west is all *so* different, it would be impossible to say yes or no.

But if he lives for the evening down the local pub, I'd say a wholehearted NO unless you move back home and hook him up with all your buds, provided they aren't all under the thumb staying at home types by now...

WHAT?! Oh no!!!!
Yes, I realise you guys can't give me the definitive answer :wink: (though I'd love it if you could), but I appreciate your insights and thoughts regardless. Perhaps I can learn ways of helping him best handle the transition by the benefit of your experiences.

Sorry, should have mentioned that... We're going to Pittsburgh. Eventually, I'd like to move west of the Rockies, but we'll start in Pittsburgh as that's where my family is, so there's a built in support network.

I think he probably doesn't need a pub as such. Just a bar will do, as long as it's got a neighbourhood feel to it.

Ye-e-e-es.... I do have the mindset of wanting to do it because I don't want to regret not doing it... and we will do it... I just don't see how we could ever afford to come back to the UK if he didn't like it. We struggle to make ends meet even now, let alone the position we'd be in if we'd also paid out for TWO moves across the Atlantic. :shock: It doesn't bear thinking about.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Hmmmmm.... yes..... hmmmm... he does have a tendancy to see the glass as half empty. A bit of it is just the British love of a good moan, and a bit of it is just a natural pessimism. Thus, my concerns.

No worries there at least. He's not a sport nut by any stretch of the imagination.
Although, moving to Western PA, there oughta be enough miners to make it a *primary* sport! :wink:

Any chance of 24/7 Simpsons? If so, he'd be a happy boy. :wink:

That's what I'm hoping!!!!

Thank you! That is good to know, and I really appreciate it. Crickey, I'm going on about his possible homesickness, but I've been here for a third of my life... I may be homesick for the UK as well. :???:

Ha ha ha ha ha. That's quite cracked me up! :grin: :grin: :grin:

No, he doesn't live for the evening in the pub, as such. It's just a part of his life and always has been. And it's not so much the pub in itself, as having a place to go with a sense of community, if you see what I mean. I think he'd be quite happy with a bar in the US, as long as he could stand at the bar and chat to the barman, and know a few of the other straggly guys standing at the bar. Thank goodness he drinks cold lager rather than warm ale, at least! :wink:
Sadly, I don't have any old friends in the Pittsburgh area to hook him up with (all my high-school friends are in Ohio), so he and I would be forging out on our own (except for my parents and extended family, but none of them would be much as drinking buddies! :lol: ).

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Do I see from your location-line that you will be moving back to the UK? Do you mind if I ask what's made you make that decision?

Ok, typing all these answers has made me realise that probably what I need from you guys is not so much an answer to whether my husband will like it or hate it... I really need more to know practical ways to make this transition as easy as possible for him. Such a big uprooting, and I need what I can do to actively help make it go smoother.

For instance, my parents (bless them) are "keeping their eyes open" for houses for us :roll: :grin: . They live in a lovely brand-new four-bed detached in a subdivision miles from anything, with woods all around them and views across the Appalachians foothills. Lovely. Except I think it is sooooooo completely different from anything my husband has ever known that it would only increase the culture shock for him, and the wierdness of it would overpower any good points.
So, I have asked them to look more for a house in a small town which has a proper town centre, with sidewalks and cornershops, and (HEY!) maybe even a bar in there somewhere. You see what I mean? That's a detail which will help him to make a smoother transition.

Can you guys suggest other things, other details, that could help make the move easier for him?

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As much as it might shock my parents (who have worked all their lives to constantly improve their situation), possibly one of the best places for us to move to would be one of those down-at-heel ex-steeltowns, filled with working class guys who have ALWAYS worked in the same place, same as their fathers did, and their uncles and their brothers, and who all go to the same bar... He LOVES the Clairton he's seen in the Deer Hunter.
I think I'd hate that -- it'd be just a step too far for me -- so we probably wouldn't do that exactly, but you see what I mean, about how comfortable and familiar it would seem to him?

Pittsburgh eh. I actually felt comfortable in Pittsburgh, it's one of the few decent sized cities I can say that about over here.

Why am I moving back? Well, it was my brother that kickstarted that whole thing. He visited a year ago and we offered him any assistance he needed if he wanted to move over here too. He quickly realised he would not fit in. He didn't like the fact you can't just walk/bike/bus anywhere, he felt very isolated.

When your hubby comes over, if he is out of work he will feel trapped in the house like a rock star in a hotel room if he doesn't have these kinds of amenities. Sidewalks, a good bus service to different parts of town, and some local stores are definitely going to do it more than a nice little suburban subdivision. If you want to move to a subdivision you may as well move to Peterborough or Swindon or some other 'planned' town.

I too miss the walk down the road to the chippie or the paper shop. I grew up in an area that had every little shop you could want - a couple of little grocery shops, greengrocers, butchers, a couple of fast food options, newsagents, and a pub. And there was a bus that would take you anywhere else you needed to go.

Since we made the decision to move 'home', I've been telling my wife "you won't be able to do that in England" whenever she's done something very American. It is a reality check. So far her list of stuff she will miss is much shorter. We've looked for things that would be alternatives for things she'd miss. Like watching the Lions in the NFL. They'll never be shown in the UK except for the Thanksgiving game. So we started watching some NFL Europe to get to know that, and have found there's a British League team in Bristol where we are moving to. I've also introduced her to the rules of cricket and rugby so she understands that a little. She's not a sports nut but she enjoys watching most of them. Back to Thanksgiving, and we decided we would be taking that day off when we live in England and will cook a Thanksgiving meal for all our friends, and watch the Lions game at about 6pm local time once everyone is off work.

It certainly doesn't hurt to make the mental transition early. You made the move so you know the differences. You know what will change when you move back, so introduce these changes to him as concepts so he gets to grips with what will change in his life. He may love it, he may hate it. From my point of view, Pittsburgh is above the line.

Perhaps, just perhaps.... it would ease his potential homesickness if he were to choose the house and the exact area. It's hard to have someone else choose something for you that's going to make you feel at home, because their "home" is different from your "home".

and no, sorry, I can't really find a better way to say that. But if your parents select a short list of houses, they may miss the one that would make all the difference to how he feels because it has a feature he didn't know he needed until he saw houses without, so he didn't tell them to look out for that feature and said feature struck them as odd so they rejected properties with that feature. or something.

Hi Strawberry,

Its obvious you have given this a huge amount of thought which I think greatly increases the chances of the move being successful.

However, I personally think that at the end of the day it doesn't matter what you do, the fact is the US is very different to the UK and your husband will either like it or he won't. There really isn't a whole lot you can do to change that.

I have known Brits who have moved here in very difficult circmstances with absolutely no assistance from employers and with no network of friends or family over here to help them settle in and despite the difficulties they absolutely love it here. I have also known the reverse situation where people have has so much help from their employer with the move and getting settled in and yet they have missed the UK so much they have gone home after a few years.

So with that said here are the usual bits of advice.

If possible come and stay for a few months on a temporary basis first, when I say temporary I mean several months, a two week vacation won't give you an idea of what its really like to live here.

Come with a postivie attitude, expect it to be very different and embrace the differences.

Find a source for Brit food in you area (or via the internet) so you can get a Brit food fix when you need it.

Try to have friends and family from home visit often.

Budget for visits home at least once a year OR some say don't go home for several years its too unsettling - take your pick wink

Seek out expats in your area, British or otherwise, expats all understand how different here is to home and allow you to have a moan about the US without upsetting anyone.

Try to move to an area that offers lots of the lifestlye you like, but I would caution that you are just not going to find an English style town where the house prices are affordable. In my experince in NJ and CT the more a town is like a UK town the more the Americans love it and the house prices are therefore very high.

Join Newcomers and Neighbours groups, join clubs for your interests, take up a new hobby that you couldn't have afforded in the UK or which wouldn't have been very accessiable where you lived.

Take out an international phone plan with your telephone company so you can ring home often at very low cost.

Get BBC America - the repeats are hideous but there are enough gems to keep you paying.

Sorry, I'm sure you have already thought of all of these but I think thats probably about it. My personal word of caution would be either don't move until you have enough saved up to move back if you hate it, or when you get here immediately start a saving fund for that purpose - trust me there is nothing worse than being stuck here if it doesn't work out.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out really well for you.

Deborah

p.s in the interest of fair advertising, I'm one of the Brits who really, really wants to move back to the UK and for whom none of the above advice made any difference. I prefer the British lifestyle to the US.

p.p.s Those who know me don't you think I did well not to scream at the top of my lungs 'don't do it"? lol

Well, I'll be. Huh! :grin:

So, if you don't mind my asking, what is it about your brother realising he didn't want to move there that made you decide to move back?

I'm hoping he will be employed right away. He's a plumber and my father has a few friends who own plumbing companies, so we have good connections already.

Agreed. Also, I'd like to have a car asap. Does anyone know, can he drive on UK license, or do we need to get a US license right away?

Good idea. I'll start doing that...

That's what I do! It helps. Also, we have a good online American Expat community and the Dorset expats meet up regularly. When you come over, she may want to join us. :grin:

Well, who've ever thought it!?!? :grin:

Monster, yes, good points. I don't want my parents to select our house for us. Uh uh!!! They're idea of the right house -- good intended though they are -- will probably be quite different from our idea of the right house!

But, I can't stop them from looking. They're so excited, they're going to be looking regardless, so I was just trying to give them some guidelines so at least they were looking at something a little more along our lines. Who knows, they *might* just stumble on the perfect house, eh? :wink: :lol:

STRAWBERRY ' dont think im being rude but this is my range of experiance do not let your parants selevct homes for you as god as tthere intentions might be in my experiance for your of being a Realtor it wont work out .
Choising a home is a very personal and emotional experiance and in some ways nothing to do with the size .price etc of the property , its the biggest and most important decision your family and can affect yuor families life ( social and otherwise for years to come should that desicion be the wrong one )
my advice similar to what Monster has already written , select a area you think you may be interested to move to *Chose together * find a local realtor /or 2 " this is where your perants can help by sending you a few names " from which you can select a realtor of* your choice* get him /her to supply you with stats of the area , schools , housing , industry , economic growth .restuarants /bars , churches , parks ,population ,tax base ,urban makeup, and any imformation on activites you and your husband are interesting in .

Tell him or her what you need in the way of sq ft , type of home , community , price and he? she should be able to give you a price range an area where you can start to search Realtors have these facts available and can supply them at no cost to you and do it in a completly professional manner .

Get the realtor to preview the home for you by a visit/ *which is something your perants cant do * thereby elliminating any negatives you have advised him /her that you dont want ,and focusing on the homes that would suit your tastes and in a area the has the amenities you require .

JMO hope this helps .


where as you parants might be a little favourable to certian areas because of there experiance .