British Expatriate Network

They say it happens in 3's. So lets put mine out there..

My wifes niece is critical with cancer, the father inlaw had a stroke this week and now her ex (father of the kids) is now critical in hospital, The kids are freaking out and here I am try to do the best I can with what I have.

But worries me cuz I have been called "Cold" before. I do not tend to show very much. Just something that , well a long story.

So now I am trying to get the kids to look at the positive side and its not over till its over. I hate this ball sh*t.

You can only be there and be strong for them and give them a shoulder to cry on if needs be. They might say hurtful things, but that will only be the stress talking and don't take it personally. Good luck with whatever happens.

Stressful times indeed for all concerned, Goose. sad If you can 'be there' with an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, patience and understanding you'll all get through this difficult time. Best wishes.

Hug your wife, hug the kids, be there when they need you.

You mention "cold". Try not to take a practical view of emotions. You're not a cop anymore, you're allowed to feel their pain and their anger, you no longer have to distance yourself.

Go out and buy a heap of snacks and get in a load of mindless classic family-type movies. And some instant meals. When you're emotionally worn down, munching on bad stuff and watching familiar flicks can be very comforting -but only if they're readily available. Be a free taxi service without question. Sometimes they need to get away from it all -help them get there (unless they want to go to a crack den), and be there when they need to come back.

It's going to be very tough for you, but right now, your family needs to be selfish. Your turn will come when their stress abates.

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

1) Confess the positive.
2) Do not "own" an illness. It is not "my" cancer or "her" diabetes.

lol Yea know monster something you said does prove true with me. I do distance my self. I just tend to be practical and rational. Have been told once I made Spock look human lol. and no its not the ears lol.

At the moment wife niece is now walking, but again its a step at a time. Have seen so many people sorta get better and then get worse very quickly. Just glad of the time she can share with her kids. Wifes dad seems to be giving the nurses a hard time, which means he seems to be getting better.

Kids father, well they still have no clue but his Kidneys are screwed and not working at all. Anyone have a spare one lol. A case of watch this space. maybe its all a big joke lol and I am still asleep lol

True dat.

/power of positive thinking works wonders
//so does drinking heavily

Goose - you are not alone in the 'distancing yourself' many of us do it. If you pull away or tend to get on with what needs getting on with, people think you are cold.

Just be there for them, and have the hugs ready.

I get business like when things happen, you know make sure all is taken care of. And rest of family breaks down. Makes people think I'm cold, but I break down later, after the event is over.

You're not alone Goose, just be yourself, I'm sure you are a pillar of strength too. Hang in there, am sorry to read of all your families troubles.

Wish you all better times. Positive thinking is very powerful as others have said, don't own the illness or it will control.

Hugs to you.

So sorry to hear what your family is going through, wishing them the best. You certainly don't sound cold, you sound like your very worried and sad for them all, sometimes in these situations its the practical person that you need the most.

o Is it just an english thing, just to be practical to stuff. The stiff upper lip and all that.

people express their feelings in diffrent ways mate you are not cold,you are strong
and you need to be for all your family at the mo'..

its nothing to do with practicality, or stiff upper lip whatsoever, when theres a
family crisis,[or bereavement] that stuff flies out of the window instantianiously.
your family needs a rock, or pillar to rely on to be strong you are the one goose.

although you have not had a bereavement yet [heaven forbid] when i lost my
grandmother i was the one to sort everything out on the day
[because all members of my family were too distressed].members of my family
called me a hero for doing the things i did ,i'm no hero i did what i had to do..
feelings and emotions are strange they change in a split second and when
everything was sorted out i sat down with a large brandy and cried like a baby....

be strong goose for your family they need you...

There are some people who see a crisis in a different way. Like Ginger was saying, she gets on with the practical side of things then has her breakdown afterwards. My mum's like that and I'm a bit like that too. Sometimes I think it also has to do with who it is that is most attached to the ones that are ill. If this had been your father or your niece, your wife I am sure would be the practical one.

There are times when having that one person being practical and organising the essentials in life is extremely important. And as monster says, just be there for them. Look beyond what they are actually asking you to do and try and see what they need. If they need that cuddle, or to just talk, be there to give the listening ear or the open arms without necessarily talking yourself.

I am very sorry to hear what is going on with your family and I can certainly understand the children being so devastated. I really hope their father pulls through for them. How old are the children?

You are doing a great job, goose.

I don't think so. I think it's entirely personal. We all develop our own methods of coping with stressful situations. Like Ginger, I'm very practical and organized in the midst of a crisis because that's my way of coping. It doesn't mean I'm cold-hearted. On the contrary, by staying focused I'm better equipped emotionally to help all involved 'weather the storm'.
You're not 'cold', Goose, so don't be too hard on youself.