09-15-2004, 10:12 AM
PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods two playtimes and
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a
bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods,
play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the
nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment
meted out to latecomers back to the classroom.
In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to
stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those
who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down
the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as
"chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually
has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is
intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often
having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining
participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to
achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the
scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play -lunchtime, for instance
- is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five
nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the
matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners
(see Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink hroughout the
match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.
As the number of players increases, so shall the piles.
Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed
on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is
also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the
post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve
denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.
The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any
respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with
resourcefulness and imagination. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper
limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height,
although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in
dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the
sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be
enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted
by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads,
water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking
winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him
head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far
as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is
"not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a
wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is
the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant
meaninglessly as he places the ball.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance – from
among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground
side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow
and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a
renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle.
Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as
"Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is
best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see
also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another,
following the ball, and it is tactically vital every last one of them
remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen
in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is
nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
Ball on school roof or over school wall.
The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is
most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb
or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in
order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who
actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before
disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter
having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often
required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best
Fighter is entitled to observe that A "you can't make me"; or B "It's not
my ball anyway".
Bigger boys steal ball.
A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the
players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will
seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout
amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to
tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results
in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win
back the ball can
prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the
players' older brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local
pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.
Menopausal old bag confiscates ball.
More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the
school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner
transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to
nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball
cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to
last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how
to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually
forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of
the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result
in the more serious stoppage Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands
in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the
importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance,
making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make
the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight
yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size
pitch" rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team
and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst
of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poaching *******"
from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgement from team-mates.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the
goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to
head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will
elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be
stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with
universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories..
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who
willdefer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring
one more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed
penalty-takers the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is
simple the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable
margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is
comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers
Goalies are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these
kicks, and are ******ed if "little Billy" is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is
on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open;
and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon that it really
is as boring to play as it is to watch.
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods two playtimes and
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a
bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods,
play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the
nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment
meted out to latecomers back to the classroom.
In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to
stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those
who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down
the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as
"chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually
has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is
intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often
having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining
participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to
achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the
scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play -lunchtime, for instance
- is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five
nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the
matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners
(see Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink hroughout the
match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.
As the number of players increases, so shall the piles.
Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed
on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is
also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the
post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve
denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.
The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any
respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with
resourcefulness and imagination. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper
limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height,
although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in
dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the
sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be
enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted
by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads,
water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking
winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him
head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far
as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is
"not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a
wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is
the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant
meaninglessly as he places the ball.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance – from
among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground
side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow
and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a
renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle.
Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as
"Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is
best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see
also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another,
following the ball, and it is tactically vital every last one of them
remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen
in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is
nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
Ball on school roof or over school wall.
The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is
most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb
or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in
order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who
actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before
disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter
having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often
required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best
Fighter is entitled to observe that A "you can't make me"; or B "It's not
my ball anyway".
Bigger boys steal ball.
A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the
players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will
seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout
amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to
tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results
in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win
back the ball can
prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the
players' older brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local
pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.
Menopausal old bag confiscates ball.
More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the
school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner
transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to
nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball
cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to
last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how
to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually
forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of
the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result
in the more serious stoppage Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands
in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the
importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance,
making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make
the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight
yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size
pitch" rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team
and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst
of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poaching *******"
from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgement from team-mates.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the
goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to
head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will
elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be
stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with
universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories..
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who
willdefer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring
one more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed
penalty-takers the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is
simple the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable
margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is
comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers
Goalies are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these
kicks, and are ******ed if "little Billy" is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is
on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open;
and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon that it really
is as boring to play as it is to watch.